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usbobafett0820
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18 September 2013 - 5:52pm

funny jokes

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ok guys we have a gambling joke forum so i thought maybe add one for just all kinds of funny things. just please be respectful of others when posting.....have fun and enjoy Smile

usbobafett0820
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18 September 2013 - 5:52pm
#1

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

ushope777
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6 October 2013 - 7:13pm
#2

Lol! That is a good one, BF! Thanks for the laugh. Smile

Hope777

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.
Shawshank Redemption

ushope777
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8 October 2013 - 10:29pm
#3

I hope this is respectful enough for y'all!

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Hope777

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.
Shawshank Redemption

delinita
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24 October 2013 - 8:03am
#4

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. lol

delinita
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24 October 2013 - 8:07am
#5

thisis my favourite imaoooooo

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

delinita
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24 October 2013 - 8:09am
#6

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

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dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:20am
#7

i love that joke if like this i post my jokes too.but i cannot post it in german?

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:22am
#8

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:27am
#9

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:29am
#10

i hope you guys like my jokes i wanna post daily jokes for you to keep you smiling Smile

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:33am
#11

what do you think about my jokes rate it from 1 to 3 please

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:33am
#12

Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:35am
#13

i will let this funny jokes part here grown..... Smile

dehicham80
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24 October 2013 - 8:36am
#14

that its more fun here for you guys i will put a game here inside too so u have games and jokes

the game called what am i? i think every one of u know it.....

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

dehicham80
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25 October 2013 - 9:19am
#15

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg, pissed off, takes one look at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blanket over him and says, "I guess we answered that question!"

dehicham80
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25 October 2013 - 9:21am
#16

another one....
you are so stupid you had to call 411 to get the number 911

muaaaahhhh

dehicham80
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25 October 2013 - 9:23am
#17

Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

A: He held up a pair of pants.

ushope777
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25 October 2013 - 6:04pm
#18

I love that people are posting jokes in this thread. Thanks for the laughs, and keep posting! Smile

Hope777

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.
Shawshank Redemption

dehicham80
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26 October 2013 - 8:52am
#19

oh nice thank you good that i get this what i want .a smile on peoples face. Red Rose

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dehicham80
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26 October 2013 - 8:58am
#20

Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel’s personal mobile phone may have been monitored by the US, according to German government spokesman. Chancellor Merkel called President Obama Wednesday with her concerns over the situation. The President denied all accusations of any eaves dropping then repeatedly ask the Chancellor what day it was and when she answered “Wednesday” He just kept saying “HUMP DAAYYYYY”!

dehicham80
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26 October 2013 - 8:59am
#21

Betty White was given the Guinness World Record for Longest TV Career for Entertainer. In a side note Miley Cyrus now holds the record for Most Inappropriate Uses of a Foam Finger.

dehicham80
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26 October 2013 - 9:00am
#22

CBS had trouble finding a host for their new late night talk show, so in the mean time, they are showing reruns of the old Arsenio Hall Show.

dehicham80
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26 October 2013 - 9:01am
#23

While a lady is shopping for lumber in Home Depot an associate asks, “How may I help you?” “Yes, my son is in shop class, and I need to get him some wood to finish a project. But I can only find grade 1 and grade 2 lumber and he’s in high school.”

deNick
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4 November 2013 - 11:14am
#24

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

deNick
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20 November 2013 - 1:46pm
#25

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

ushope777
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20 November 2013 - 2:55pm
#26
Nick wrote:

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

OOPS! Lol! That is a good one, Nick. Smile

Hope777

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.
Shawshank Redemption

auCL-Ed
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21 November 2013 - 10:23pm
#27

I love little Johnny jokes. I haven't heard one in about 20 years though so that was a blast from the past. This is my favourite one:

Little Johnny is sitting at home doing his maths homework and his mother overhears him... "2 plus 3 that son-of-a-bitch is 5", "3 plus 1 that son-of-a-bitch is 4" and so on. She's a bit shocked so she asks Johnny what he's doing. "I'm doing my homework just like Miss Johnson taught me."

The next day, Little Johnny's mum phones the school and asks to speak to Miss Johnson. She asks just what exactly the teacher is teaching them in maths class. "I am teaching them addition of small numbers" she says. "Well why is my son doing his homework and saying 2 plus 2 that son-of-a-bitch is 4?". There's a pause and a laugh and the teacher says "I actually taught them to say 2 plus 2 the sum of which is 4".

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27 November 2013 - 5:30pm
#28
CL-Ed wrote:

I love little Johnny jokes. I haven't heard one in about 20 years though so that was a blast from the past. This is my favourite one:

Little Johnny is sitting at home doing his maths homework and his mother overhears him... "2 plus 3 that son-of-a-bitch is 5", "3 plus 1 that son-of-a-bitch is 4" and so on. She's a bit shocked so she asks Johnny what he's doing. "I'm doing my homework just like Miss Johnson taught me."

The next day, Little Johnny's mum phones the school and asks to speak to Miss Johnson. She asks just what exactly the teacher is teaching them in maths class. "I am teaching them addition of small numbers" she says. "Well why is my son doing his homework and saying 2 plus 2 that son-of-a-bitch is 4?". There's a pause and a laugh and the teacher says "I actually taught them to say 2 plus 2 the sum of which is 4".

LOVE IT! Smile

Hope777

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.
Shawshank Redemption

ushope777
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27 November 2013 - 5:31pm
#29

One of my favorite "blonde jokes."

The definition of eternity?

Four blondes at a four-way stop. Tongue

Hope777

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of the things, and no good thing ever dies.
Shawshank Redemption

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28 November 2013 - 5:37am
#30

I have a friend who used to live on a street that had the only four way stop sign I have ever seen and you had to go through it get to her house. One day I asked her what happens if four cars all pulled up there at the same time. She said you give way to the right and of course I said yeah what if everyone does that? You could be sitting there forever waiting for the car on your right to move. I must be secretly blonde.

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