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usUsne
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14 April 2011 - 3:18pm

Gambling Jokes!!!

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Hiya CL Members,

Thought it would be fun to post some gambling jokes! Please feel free to add your own.

"Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face."

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14 April 2011 - 5:05pm
#1

Haha, I really like that one. I wish I was clever enough to come up with a good gambling joke...

Ok- a priest, a rabbi and a duck all walk into a casino...

I'll let you know when I come up with a punchline.

auCL-Ed
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15 April 2011 - 5:08am
#2

A homeless guy on the street stops a man walking by and asks for some change. The man says "No way you'll just spend it on booze or gamble it away". "Oh no sir, I don't drink or gamble" says the bum. "Ok then can you come home with me so I can show my wife the kind of man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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15 April 2011 - 5:15am
#3

A guy comes home from work to find his wife of many years with bags packed, ready to leave. He asks where she's going and she says "to Vegas! I heard that the men there will pay me $1000 to do for them what I do for you for free!". The guy thinks for bit, opens the front door, ushers her out and and says "Good luck living on $2000 a year honey".

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usSavannah
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16 April 2011 - 10:38am
#4

Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.

Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. "Hey, Jones," said Smith, "how'd you do?"

"Well, Smith", said Jones, "you see me here on this bench. what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though."

"Oh yeah," said Smith, "did I find a good machine! It's way in the back. I'll show it to you-you can't lose! Every time you put in a dollar, four quarters come out.

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usSavannah
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16 April 2011 - 10:39am
#5

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

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auCL-Ed
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17 April 2011 - 5:16am
#6

lol Savannah, they are both good but the second one is golden!

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18 April 2011 - 11:16am
#7

Blackjack Tip

A blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

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16 May 2011 - 10:27am
#8

Momma needs a new blouse

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very beautiful lady comes in and wants to bet ten thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist up, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new blouse!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

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17 May 2011 - 3:16am
#9

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS.

auCL-Ed
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18 May 2011 - 1:47am
#10

Nice one Usne but Savannah already posted that!

There's a bunch of famous cowboys in the saloon playing poker one night. They watch the other players intently, guns ready in case someone is cheating. Everyone has gone all in on this hand and the stakes are high. Old Buffalo Bill lays his cards down, 4 Aces to beat Jesse James' 4 Kings, and claims the pot much to his delight. Suddenly Jesse James jumps up, throws over the table and pulls out his gun and points it at Bill. "He's a cheatin' dog!". "How do you know that?" says Butch Cassidy. "Those ain't the cards I dealed him!"

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19 May 2011 - 11:14pm
#11
CL-Ed wrote:

A guy comes home from work to find his wife of many years with bags packed, ready to leave. He asks where she's going and she says "to Vegas! I heard that the men there will pay me $1000 to do for them what I do for you for free!". The guy thinks for bit, opens the front door, ushers her out and and says "Good luck living on $2000 a year honey".

i love that one! so true! Blush

usSavannah
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21 May 2011 - 11:39am
#12

Making Up Is Easy To Do

Dear Tom,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love, Linda. xxxxoooxxxx

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22 June 2011 - 11:37am
#13

haha nice thread , I laughed a lot lollol

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23 June 2011 - 10:05am
#14

here is one I've found out recently :

A doctor's phone's calling and hears the voice of a colleague
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"- actually the colleague said :"We need a fourth for poker" .

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8 July 2011 - 8:23pm
#15

lollol:D:D I had a lot of fun in this thread , thank you so much lol unfortunately I'm not good at remembering jokes, so I can not add my own one. But I promise as soon as I hear one, I;ll rush here and post so I do not manage to forget lol

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9 September 2011 - 10:50am
#16

Humor Party Joking)

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9 September 2011 - 11:26am
#17

We have a TV show in Georgia, it's called almost the same

salivan_genius wrote:

Humor Party Joking)

The beloved one for old people and for those who leak humor a bit... The new season is on every year. Anyway, I'm far from the topic. Here is my gambling joke:

Lottery Guy

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

geHekkk
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9 September 2011 - 4:29pm
#18

i know good one lol

one man went to the restaurant he wanted 99 hamburger and waitress asked to take 100 hamburger but this man said that he is`t PIG to eat 100 hamburger lol:

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10 September 2011 - 8:16am
#19

Something's wrong, I remember I have posted yesterday in many topics and today they have disappeared :| I have posted here too, weird .. Confused

auCL-Ed
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10 September 2011 - 8:27am
#20

Check your private messages - you should be seeing a message at the top of the page that tells you that you have one waiting...

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10 September 2011 - 8:28am
#21

yeah, now I've seen it Smile

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10 September 2011 - 9:28am
#22

Q :why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A : you have to hollow out the head

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10 September 2011 - 12:05pm
#23
sosogadelia wrote:

Q :why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A : you have to hollow out the head

it was`t funny Sad :(
CHeck This >>

[RACIST JOKE REMOVED] - Ed

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10 September 2011 - 1:49pm
#24

I will say this once and once only. Any further "jokes" of that type will earn the poster an instant ban, just like Hekkk has received.

Apologies to anyone who may have seen it before I was able to delete it.

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12 September 2011 - 5:19am
#25

hekkk. I copyd this joke from one site . I have read it first. it is english joke. I don't like thair jokes too

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12 September 2011 - 8:06am
#26

so sexist :| hate stuff like that

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12 September 2011 - 8:17am
#27
salivan_genius wrote:

so sexist :| hate stuff like that

What does your comment concern to ?

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12 September 2011 - 10:42am
#28
sosogadelia wrote:

Q :why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
A : you have to hollow out the head

<<<<<< this joke

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13 September 2011 - 8:03am
#29

Ok it's clear now Smile

As for the joke, I searched the web these days and came across some cartoon jokes, I'd post one of them here, I'm not sure whether I should identify the source or not, so I'll not post the link here as it may look spammy, but if its requited, I've bookmarked the website and post it later. (Ed, it is up to you to decide )

joke1.PNG
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13 September 2011 - 8:16am
#30

but actually coffee doesn't help me to stay awake during the night Sad

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